


you can run from your demons, but they know where you hide

by thedumbestgenius



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: BDSM, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 20:43:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedumbestgenius/pseuds/thedumbestgenius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane's PTSD finally flares and leaves her with the need to control everything. When this need seeps into the bedroom, she struggles with an all-consuming guilt and fear that leaves Maura struggling to convince Jane that their love is here to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you can run from your demons, but they know where you hide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [miracakes](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=miracakes).



_Are there demons inside me? ___

__You watch her pale flesh slowly turn pink; your palms sting from the effort. Gasps tumble from her parted lips and, in awe, you watch as her brow crinkles laboriously with every strike against her skin. She’s a beautiful creation, molded from months of correction and observed servitude. Every move she makes is calculated; every sound formed is for your pleasure._ _

__She says this isn’t just for you, that she gets more from it than you could ever fathom. But you’re not so sure. Not when she’s chained up and rasping out your name, begging for forgiveness though she did no wrong._ _

__How can she love you?_ _

__The person that chains her and breaks her, bruises and humiliates her?_ _

_Are there demons inside me?_

____But you do this out of love and, God, you hope she knows it. This isn’t a one second spark, this is a trick candle that refuses to go out kind of love. She’s the flame that lights up the darkest portions of your soul; the parts that think she’s the most beautiful when she cries and loves her most when she’s on her knees._ _ _ _

____She says she understands, but you just don’t quite know these days._ _ _ _

_Are there demons inside me?_

______“Did you hear me?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her eyes open and watery green shine back at you through the dim lighting of the room. You like to think there’s a war waging in her eyes, a fight between hate and adoration, but there’s nothing but wholly accepting love waiting to envelop you in a post-coital glow._ _ _ _ _ _

______It takes a moment, but she finds enough softness in your face to chance an answer._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No,” she finally settles on, her stomach clenching as you land a stinging blow on the inside of her spread bound thighs. “Will you…please…repeat it for me?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______An unprecedented anger wells up inside you. The need for control has seeped into your very veins and she’s not listening, she’s not playing by the rules and it’s messing everything up, fuck, she’s messing it up._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I said—“_ _ _ _ _ _

______The sound of your hand hitting flesh reverberates around the room._ _ _ _ _ _

______The pink skin beneath your fingers fades into red and her gasp squelches into a soft cry, and you know better than to continue. There’s a fine line between pained pleasure and unwonted agony. You don’t push it, don’t dare venture into that territory darker than the hell of your soul._ _ _ _ _ _

______You never have, though you know she’d let you._ _ _ _ _ _

______The movement of your hands goes from sharp and forceful to urgent and coercing. Your fingers slide through wet heat, wet enough to amaze you time and time again that this gets to her as much as it does to you, and furiously rub and circle and thrust until she’s arching off the bed like a perfectly taut bow._ _ _ _ _ _

______When it’s done you gently release her hands from their confines and rub away the marks, even though those demons inside you beg to do it again. But by closing your eyes and counting to ten, you force them away until all that’s left is what little good you’re convinced you have left inside._ _ _ _ _ _

______You hold her until her eyes, weary and exhausted, flicker open. Her smile is like a cool, forgiving shadow eclipsing the burning fury of the sun and sends those demons screaming. You love her most in these moments, you think._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her breath hitches like it does every single time. “I love you back.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Reaching out, you idly trace the softness of her breast. “How much?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can’t measure an emotion.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Try?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her lips purse for a moment and you’re pretty sure she’s thinking up ways to call you out on your shit, but then her body rolls just a little bit closer to you instead._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you more than I enjoy empirical evidence.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Your eyebrow quirks. “You love your shoes more than empirical evidence, too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She grins and you want to bask in the warmth forever. “Well, I also love you more than my shoes.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now we’re getting somewhere,” you lightly reply, hoping to stay in the good graces of her upturned lips._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Did you know—“she ignores your good-natured groan “—that love is just an emission of dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine? I like to think my brain control centers are on overdrive, releasing thrice that amount. That, technically speaking, would be enough to cease bodily function. But I feel nothing but lightness. An absolution of sorts.” Her head rolls slowly to face you. “And that’s how much I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Your lips try to form words, but none are to be had._ _ _ _ _ _

______Speechless._ _ _ _ _ _

______You are nothing but speechless._ _ _ _ _ _

______Those demons are gone and in their wake are tears threatening to choke you._ _ _ _ _ _

______Your lips barely graze her forehead as you whisper, “I…I love you that much too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know, Jane.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’ve never questioned it,” she immediately replies. “I’ve never had to. I can feel how much you love me every day.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______You look to her pinked flesh caused by your hand, but she tilts your chin back up in order to look damn well into your very soul._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That is _not _what I meant.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“Good,” is your answering sigh. “Because that…that’s not love.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her shoulders move against you as she tries to shrug. “It’s a love of sorts.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How is this—“ your fingers motion between the both of you, “—a type of love?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How isn’t it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A growl emerges from somewhere deep in your throat. “I hate when you do that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I hate when you feel guilty for something we both enjoy,” she immediately counters._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You chance a glance towards her hesitantly. “Do you? Enjoy it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There’s a heavy, pregnant pause when she doesn’t answer. Your hands start to sweat and you know, you just know that this is it. She’s finally had enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You’ve lost her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You feel yourself start to retreat into that dark and hopeless place, and there’s nothing you want more than for her to save you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Maura?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A heavy sigh finally tumbles from her lips. “You always ask if I enjoy myself. My answer is always the same. So, what do you think?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Shrugging, you look away. “Maybe I like the reassurance.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And then, her hands are cupping your cheeks and her face is mere inches from yours. The way your body is tangled with hers makes it feel like she has you surrounded, goddamn, she has you surrounded and you can feel her very heart beat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Every sound I make, every time I lean into the oncoming onslaught of my body, is a reassurance,” she begins, her thumbs stroking your skin. “I don’t struggle when you decide to tie me down. I don’t fight it. I accept it. Eagerly. I want to receive just as much as you want to give. So when will you stop hating yourself for doing what we want?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Your force your voice to come out. But when it does, it’s a pained whisper. “When it doesn’t feel like I’m hurting you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“But you are.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And just like that, your stomach drops and you’re almost sure dinner is going to make another appearance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It hurts me when you question yourself,” she continues softly. “When you hate yourself. When I can see the doubt in your eyes. When you think I hate you. All of those things hurt me. This? What we do in the bedroom? It doesn’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Silence surrounds you as you try, for the billionth time, to understand. But as usual, you don’t. You don’t know why she loves someone who can so easily hurt her, and you don’t know why she so easily accepts it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But one day, maybe, you can love her how she deserves to be loved. You can love her without wanting to tinge her flesh pink or tie her hands to the headboard. Maybe one day, when you hear her voice in your head, it won’t be accompanied by hearing her gasps and moans and her begging you to do it harder. Maybe you’ll be able to give her a normal love; the love she’s always dreamed of having._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Maybe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But there is only so many what ifs and self-loathing a person can take before they shut down completely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Want something to drink?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Water, please,” she requests, her fingers softly trailing away from your face as you begin to stand from the bed, leaving trail in their wake that sets you on fire from the inside out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Finding some crinkled sweats on the floor, you hastily step into them before walking into the pitch-blackness of the hallway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But it’s not that easy to escape yourself. It’s never that easy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You can run from your demons but they know where you hide._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> This randomly came to me one night. I may continue if there is enough interest. Otherwise, this can stand alone as a ficlet of sorts. As always, thanks for reading.


End file.
